my mind just won't sit still--D R is helping

I like when I realize that something is bad for me. I mean, I like when I finally get it! Sometimes relationships can be like toxic mold in your house. (A ridiculous metaphor, I know, but I'm just gonna go with it for now. My new motto: I'm just gonna go with it--for now.) At first, you think your relationship is going well. Things can seem healthy enough. Perhaps you notice you aren't as happy as you had been, but there can be many things to blame this on. Likewise, in a house filling with toxins you often don't see what is slowly killing you. You think the house you originally bought is going to keep you safe and satisfied and not become diseased. "So why'd you fill my sorrow with the words you borrowed from the only place that you know. Why'd you sing halelujah if it means nothing to you? Why'd you sing with me at all?"

So there's this person who says the right things--usually. He only says them in an attempt to get something from me. I know this. I know he's toxic. I tell him so. But then, I fall for it. Or at least I used to. I hate being wrong about things. When it comes to relationships, though, a person MUST be able to say-- Fuck it! I was wrong. I was blind. I have to get out of this. Time to move.

"What I am to you, is not real. What I am to you, you do not need. You do not need me."
And so I've been wrong in the past, does that mean I'm incapable of making good judgements? I mean, after so many failed relationships a person has to wonder if she will ever be smart or satisfied.

"I can't take my eyes off of you."

I wonder if I spend too much time thinking about all of this. I daydream too much, I know this. But it's so yummy to imagine. "It's not hard to grow when you know that you just don't know."

I have a restless spirit. I often feel a strong urge to go--to change something (usually my hair is the first victim of this urge). We call it gypsy blood in my family. My grandpa has it. He has traded so many cars. He used to go to the mountains every weekend that he could get away to sit or to fish or to whistle to himself. "Nothing unusual, nothing's changed. Just a little older, that's all. You know when you've found it, there's something I've learned. Cause you feel it when they take it away." Gotta go for now.

Blogging with "O" playing from Damien Rice.