my mind just won't sit still--D R is helping

I like when I realize that something is bad for me. I mean, I like when I finally get it! Sometimes relationships can be like toxic mold in your house. (A ridiculous metaphor, I know, but I'm just gonna go with it for now. My new motto: I'm just gonna go with it--for now.) At first, you think your relationship is going well. Things can seem healthy enough. Perhaps you notice you aren't as happy as you had been, but there can be many things to blame this on. Likewise, in a house filling with toxins you often don't see what is slowly killing you. You think the house you originally bought is going to keep you safe and satisfied and not become diseased. "So why'd you fill my sorrow with the words you borrowed from the only place that you know. Why'd you sing halelujah if it means nothing to you? Why'd you sing with me at all?"

So there's this person who says the right things--usually. He only says them in an attempt to get something from me. I know this. I know he's toxic. I tell him so. But then, I fall for it. Or at least I used to. I hate being wrong about things. When it comes to relationships, though, a person MUST be able to say-- Fuck it! I was wrong. I was blind. I have to get out of this. Time to move.

"What I am to you, is not real. What I am to you, you do not need. You do not need me."
And so I've been wrong in the past, does that mean I'm incapable of making good judgements? I mean, after so many failed relationships a person has to wonder if she will ever be smart or satisfied.

"I can't take my eyes off of you."

I wonder if I spend too much time thinking about all of this. I daydream too much, I know this. But it's so yummy to imagine. "It's not hard to grow when you know that you just don't know."

I have a restless spirit. I often feel a strong urge to go--to change something (usually my hair is the first victim of this urge). We call it gypsy blood in my family. My grandpa has it. He has traded so many cars. He used to go to the mountains every weekend that he could get away to sit or to fish or to whistle to himself. "Nothing unusual, nothing's changed. Just a little older, that's all. You know when you've found it, there's something I've learned. Cause you feel it when they take it away." Gotta go for now.

Blogging with "O" playing from Damien Rice.

Confessions

I don't always follow the rules. When I'm on a dirt road, on BLM land or the like, I slip off my seat belt. But I'll piously lecture a person for not putting a seat belt on while driving. I sing loudly with the radio. Also, I say I don't like country music, but really I have some albums from artists considered to be country. I just don't want to be thought of as a redneck type--which I am not! Typos annoy me--even though I do them more often than I'd like to admit. I hate cleaning house. I hate having a messy house. A small battle between those two determine whether or not the house will be a mess.

I love cab sauv, jo reisling, and butterscotchy chard. Endangered Species extreme dark chocolate with cocoa nibs is my favorite chocolate. I am sometimes a snob about both wine and chocolate.

I yawn when I'm nervous.

I once peed on a guy. And it's NOT a sexual thing. The poor fool was holding me and tickling me, and I warned him to let me go. But.... It's truly difficult to make yourself pee when you are not supposed to. Good potty training, I guess.

I've been wrong about guys many times. I know that its usually about sex with them. But the few times I tried to beat them at that game, it ended badly.

I don't really like Depeche Mode. If someone asks me, I'll say "they're ok." The same goes for Erasure. Too many Mormon stake dances, I think.

I read Tarot cards--though not often. And I like to find out people's astrology charts. I won't date certain signs. I know this is ridiculous, nonsensical.

I look at people's teeth when they talk. I also like to see what colors make up their eyes. Most people have a variety of colors in their eyes.

I once stole a ring from Mervyns when I was a kid. My mom found out and made me take it back. The manager threatened me with jail time. I never did that again.

I used to run cross country in high school. The meet in Weiser was always so boring because we had to run around this golf course 2 &1/2 times. Well, one time I just sat under a large spruce tree until the race was nearly over, then rejoined to finish. I had a friend who joined me. We just didn't feel like running that day.

I read The New Yorker. I get the Sunday Statesman each week to read my horoscope and do the crossword. I read the obituaries. I get annoyed with newspaper typos the most!

I've been to Mexico once when I was a kid. Other than that, I've never been to any foreign countries. I don't have a passport. I've studied French, Japanese, and Spanish. Not fluent in any of those, though.

My car is an automatic, but the gear shift is between the two seats. Sometimes when I'm driving, I check to see that the car is in drive. I realize that this sounds neurotic.

I say that I'm an independent voter. That I'll vote for someone based on who they are and what they stand for, but I would honestly never vote for a republican. Not even if my best friend ran as a republican. I might tell her that I support her, but in the booth, I wouldn't be able to do it.

I greatly dislike cigarette smoke. No, I hate it. I like to smell things. I always sniff my food or the air or a person standing next to me. Cigarette smoke is offensive to my sensitive nose.

I am often sarcastic. duh.

My favorite color is green, followed by purple and then black. I don't really like blue, unless it's dark. Pink is only appropriate in flowers or rock formations in the Southwest.

My favorite expressions are: "christ on a cracker"--this is used in situations of disbelief or extreme annoyance. When I think that someone is being dishonest or ignorant I like to say, "that sounds made-up." When someone has done something appreciative for me, instead of saying thank you, I like to say "thanks easter bunny-bok, bok" This is extremely nerdy, I know. I probably use "profanities" too often.

and so the story begins in a small town in Idaho

Oh my aching bloodshot eyes, I've embarked on a new world-wide-waste-of-time adventure.

Welcome jen, to the world according to blog.

So here's a shout out to Cesareo--I found your blog while googling KARMA HIT LIST. Since my daughter isn't here to chat with me or to share in a folk dance around the living room, I find myself doing what I do best: jumping from one thing to another. Would you believe that I turned my computer on this evening to google PATRICE PIKE, a musician on some ridiculous rockstar reality TV show?

It's midnight and I could be sleeping, but that's why the Goddess invented coffee.

More later, maybe.